Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
