ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
