and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
