Duck Duck Cougar?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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