Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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