20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize