He uses pillows to masturbate.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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