Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
