Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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