I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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