1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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