There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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