there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
