My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize