Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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