Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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