I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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