I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
this just has baby written all over it
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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