I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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