I can text with my tongue
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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