After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
