apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize