If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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