Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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