i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
