I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
