Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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