Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
