i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
