I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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