Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize