She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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