omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
