What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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