I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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