He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
