Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
