So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
