I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
