Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
