I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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