too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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