dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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