You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
