They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
