I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
