If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
