Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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