Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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