its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
