He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
