I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
