ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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