I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
