I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
