as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
