i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
