I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just invented taco cereal.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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