my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
