Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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