You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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