Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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