you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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