I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
