Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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