What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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