I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
