So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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